On Applying Cosmetics Behind the Wheel

If undertakers
Exercise similar care
You will look good, dead.

Open memo to the woman who spent the entire commute this morning weaving around on the freeway in front of me because she was applying her makeup in the rearview mirror: I hope your survivors don't blame the poor schmuck who will inevitably rear-end you in the fast lane because you apparently need to take your foot off the gas pedal every time you dab at your lashes. I hope it doesn't hurt when the mascara wand impales your eyeball and plunges into your brain. I hope your apparent lack of a brain doesn't hurt anyone else. I hope ... oh, never mind.