This is one of those haiku that probably requires a little backstory:
Between chauffering the kids, my commute, and client meetings all over the place, I do a lot of driving on the 101 freeway, and I've had ample opportunity to observe the culture of SoCal asphalt. Say what you will about Californians being laid-back and mellow ... they can be as insane as any Jerseyite once they hit the road.
Over the years, I've noticed certain trends, and one of these is the fact that some of the most aggro drivers out there are:
1) women (which is just funny because it's testosterone, not estrogen, that's supposed to make you all feisty)
and
2) a surprisingly large percentage have those little metal Christian fish symbols on their bumpers.
(DISCLAIMER TO THE DEFENSIVE: I am not about to bash Christians! I am a Christian, for heaven's sake. I just also happen to have a rich sense of the ironic. If what I just wrote makes you want to hunt me down and shoot me, then please ask your minister for a reference to a good anger-management counselor. And pray for a sense of humor, because it really does help.)
So there it is: a disproportionate number of the road-raging, steering-wheel-pounding, middle-finger-flipping tailgaters I've observed proudly identify themselves as members of The Flock with these little fishes, and ... let's be honest here ... THAT'S FUNNY. Like these folks figure they don't have to worry about dying in a fiery rollover collision because the Big JC has their back ... bumper, that is.
Driving my son to baseball practice yesterday, though, I came across an all-time Best (or Worst?) in this particular category. Not only was this intense-looking blond pushing her honkin' big Yukon over the Summerland hill harder than a stock car, tailgating, passing on the left, and cutting off other drivers all over the freeway, but her little fish symbols were arrayed all over her back window in such a way as to represent what must have been her family - Big Daddy Fish, Medium Mommy Fish, and a whole school of little fishies. (These my-family-as-window-stickers thing is another road oddity I just don't get, but that is the subject of another haiku, I think.)
I have to wonder if KidzMom (according to her vanity plate), good Christian woman that she must be, was shooting to get herself and the offspring buckled into her back rows into Paradise on an accelerated schedule, 'coz she was - and I am not exagerrating here - driving like a woman possessed. It was scary to watch.
I dunno. Maybe they were late to VBS or something.
Anyway, to all my fellow Christians out there, and especially to those of you who proclaim your faith on your car - please note I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU. Or our faith. Or anybody's faith. I am just poking fun at hypocrisy ...
and how better than to Haiku?
"her kidz mom" sounds like Dr. Laura to me! Yikes, a maniac on the road and on the radio!
ReplyDeleteInteresting followup: This was posted on a local website. 37 comments in the first half hour; about half of them people who thought it was really funny. The rest were from "Christens" (sic) who threatened me with eternal damnation and/or called me mean names, like "Muslim-lover." (Hmmmmm.) My favorite was the person who insisted that the bad driver must have had little Darwin fishes (you know, the ones with feet) because God-fearing people don't tailgate. I guess only heathens do that.
ReplyDeleteToo funny
ReplyDeleteLove your blog
You make me LOL
Hope the surgery was a knee slapping success and that you didn't drive your doctor mad with suggestions for your procedure. I had NO idea you were a huge control freak--have never loaded your dishwasher obviously. Anyway, happy to say I've been on some hikes with you that included the buds of haiku that you've so beautifully flowered. Have signed up to follow you--i think. I have no idea what I did and Lane is sleeping. Please let me know if I'm not supposed to put all this in a comment--sort of facebook ick right?! Just thought it would be a little get well present when you check your blog. xoxo