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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Disneyland Dirty

Disneyland dirty -
middle American muck
clings to us, like dreams.

Despite what you are probably thinking, this is not a rant about how tacky Disneyland is or the bizarre people you see there, wearing pirate mouse ears over their shaved mullets. Even though I am sometimes perplexed by the fashion choices and parenting methods of my fellow visitors, I go to The Magic Kingdom because Disneyland inevitably makes kids - even teenagers - happy. And really, how many places can lay claim to that kind of power? I don't like Disney bashers. They're mean, and there's enough of that in this world.

But yesterday I went on my bi-annual trek down to The Happiest Place on Earth with a whole Suburban full of students and experienced a revelation: Disneyland is DIRTY. No, not soiled and gum-on-your-shoe dirty - the place is actually obsessively neat in that regard. Cheerful Cast Members are all over the place, sweeping and emptying clever thematic trash bins and wishing you a "good day" while they do it. More than once I had to hustle to beat a lady with a cleaning cart into one of the pristine bathroom stalls there.

HOWEVER ... somewhere just outside of Tomorrowland it occurred to me that even the most obsessive cleaning crews couldn't do anything about my fellow guests. And - how shall I put this? - not all of them seemed particularly concerned with good hygiene. Disney forces you into proximity with others at every turn; from the moment you're herded onto the tram to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers from Topeka and Taiwan, you are, basically, at the mercy of the Gods of Contagion. Forget all the folks who blithely skip right out of the bathroom without washing their hands - and trust me; in the ladies room outside Cinderella's Castle, at least, there were a lot of them. Hour-long lines in which you are literally chained into tight herds of humanity provide ample opportunity to observe myriad gross habits:

  • Little kid with the sickly green discharge coughing and sneezing all over without a single parental attempt to get him to use his elbow or even, God forbid, blow his nose? I did The Matterhorn with him.
  • Woman with - I swear to God and the image nauseates me still - a large open sore on her tattooed arm resting said arm across the seat back of the boat in front of me in Pirates of the Caribbean. (Which happens to be my favorite ride and she RUINED it.)
  • Not one but two open-air diaper changes with nary a sink in sight;
  • Finally - wait for it - a completely oblivious "Ukrainian Hankie" right into the waters of the Jungle Cruise. Even the guy doing the lame safari-guide-schtick broke character for a second and looked appalled.

By the time the tepid, probably fetid, waters of Splash Mountain were washing all over me and everyone else in our shared petri dish, I knew it to be true. Disneyland is a pandemic waiting to happen. Toward the end of the day I was passed by a Japanese tour in which several members were wearing those medical face masks that I've come to equate with the Avian Flu, and I was actually a little jealous: Why hadn't I thought of that? The best I could do was make it through the two-hour drive home and have a long, hot shower once I got there.

After that, I had the most wondertful dreams. Maybe they'll all come true - that is, after all, the Disneyland promise. I'll be back. Maybe I'll just be wearing a face mask. And gloves.

Friday, January 28, 2011

revolution

cameras don't catch
the small acts of subversion
only their effects

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My New Love


Absurdly in Love
With my New Water Bottle
I Just had to Share.
So I love Bikram yoga, right? Only it's really hard to stay hydrated when you're exercising for 90 minutes in a super-heated room. Even if you bring a bottle of iced water in with you, ten minutes into your practice the ice has completely melted and the water has gone tepid. Nasty when you're already a little queasy from standing on one leg with your head on the other knee for a minute and a half. Even worse, if your bottle is metal (which the best ones are) it gets hot and burns your lips. Very un-cool. Enter the G2V Zero Mass Vacuum Bottle: first of all, it's sustainably manufactured of fully recyclable, BPA-free materials. Ethical products are good. It's odor and stain resistant ( if you've ever spent time in a Bikram hot room, you know how important that is). Best of all ... the way this thing is constructed means it keeps whatever is inside freezing cold ... indefinitely ... no matter how high the ambient temperature. How do I know this? Because I just took my sexy new bottle to yoga, and, when class was over, the ice cubes inside hadn't melted AT ALL. Which meant that after camel pose, when I needed it bad, I had a fabulous drink of coldcoldcold water! I guess this might seem a little obsessive and weird if you don't do Bikram, but if you do, you are nodding along with me right now, aren't you?? AREN'T YOU??!!??? I love this new bottle. Oh - and the outside doesn't sweat, and the BPA-free plastic mouth stays cool, so you don't hurt your kisser. I am going to go and kiss my bottle now. You should try it, too.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Bartleby the Scrivener

the man at the desk
said "i would prefer not to."
and sat there, quite still.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Caffeinated

Th-th-th-th-that
secondcupofcoffeewas
NOT A GOOD IDEA!

Apparently my tolerance for extra caffeine, like so many other things, is decreasing with age.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Downside to Multitasking

"Hello, Officer"
I mumble through the thick strips
Of tooth whitener.


OK, I know I am the first one to rail against distracted drivers, but Crest Whitestrips aren't distracting ... at least to me. And if not during the morning commute, when else is a working mother going to have thirty minutes free to spend with gluey pieces of plastic plastered to her teeth?

And no, I didn't get a ticket. I think he liked my smile.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Wherein MamaKu Takes a Stand

"Guns Don't Kill People;
People Do." Just easier
for people with guns.

I think since I lost two people I love to a gun, I get to have this opinion.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Why?

why do people wait
until january first
to fix what ails them?

Enough with the resolutions already. If you noticed your pants wouldn't button back in October, why did you wait three months to cut back on the calories and get some exercise? What stopped you from practicing more kindness last June? Maybe I have no appreciation for the symbolism of New Years - I just think we'd all be better off if we addressed our "issues" as they crop up.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

On Applying Cosmetics Behind the Wheel

If undertakers
Exercise similar care
You will look good, dead.

Open memo to the woman who spent the entire commute this morning weaving around on the freeway in front of me because she was applying her makeup in the rearview mirror: I hope your survivors don't blame the poor schmuck who will inevitably rear-end you in the fast lane because you apparently need to take your foot off the gas pedal every time you dab at your lashes. I hope it doesn't hurt when the mascara wand impales your eyeball and plunges into your brain. I hope your apparent lack of a brain doesn't hurt anyone else. I hope ... oh, never mind.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2011

Peace, prosperity
Good health to you and your own.
These I wish for you!